I joined the Girl Scouts in 3rd grade right as I transferred into a new school. Classroom and playground interactions aside, I saw it as a more structured, carefree environment where I could hopefully melt the hearts of my new classmates, and make friends with the Mean Girls I so desperately wanted to impress. Surprise! None of that happened. Instead, I learned a great deal about the financial blue balling of Non-Profit Corps and what a little girl from San Clemente could do about it. 

Into the second school semester we in Troop 737 welcomed the most glorious time that was, and still is, Cookie Season. Cookie Season is that one time of the year where Scouts are pitted against Scouts in a suburban-class vending war masked as a team building exercise and badge boosting opportunity. It was as close as we 10 year-olds were going to get to a real world equivalent of beating your fellow associate out of a senior-level management position. This was life or death success, people. 

And 10-year Kelly was all like, “Fuck. Yes.” 

My mother, being of strong character and Italian blood, was supportive in my attempts to sell every box I could in our neighborhood. During this time she also took great interest in what exactly we were doing and why. It was at this point, two weeks into sale season, when my mother did some homework. 

What she found was that The Girl Scouts of Orange County is a 501(c)(3) Non-profit organization bringing in tens of thousands of dollars each year in registration fees alone, and that the GSUSA caps in at hundreds of millions of dollars each year in cookie sales. She learned this from visiting their headquarters in Costa Mesa for a parent meeting.

“Kelly, you should have seen the parking lot,” she said, “one Mercedes after another.” 

As a Troop, we had to fundraise all year round to go to summer camp (which is a whole other story) and any other out-of-school activity we wanted. Cookies were a huge part of that fundraising. But working as sales, distribution, and monetary handing; for every $4 box of cookies we sold, we got $.15 towards our Troop. That the final earnings were ultimately re-distributed based on a council vote. This, cried my mother, was che cazzo di stronzata!

Fucking bullshit. 

I left Girl Scouts soon after. The final straw being the summer camp trip. Which I woud like to state as “disappointing”. Today, cookie buying is a bit different, but the profit margins are still bleak. In 2011, Troops earned $.73/box. So enjoy those Thin Mints and Tag-A-Longs, with every purchase you’re helping a Troop, but you may also be hardening up one little girl’s business principles.

And for that, I thank you. 

To learn more visit: HonestGirlScouts.org